Wellness Hacks On The Cheap

Some tips to save you money.

I’d love to be one of those women who invest in their wellness routines—wearing red light masks every night before bed after layering on multiple serums. Alas, that’s not who I am. I’m trash at being a lady. Sometimes I forget to wash my face or take my Lexapro before bed. And I never stretch.

But what I am good at is figuring out how to do things on the cheap. And since we’re possibly/probably heading into a recession, most of us don’t have the budget we once did for all those wellness regimens. So here are some wellness hacks to save you money:

When in doubt, use regular old tape. People love taping stuff these days—their mouths. Their foreheads. Their chins. Supposedly, this helps you look younger and sleep better. But you don’t need to spend $34 on fancy bamboo facial tape. Just put some regular scotch tape on your face, and it does the trick. Additional benefit: When you rip it off, it doubles as wax, so you don’t have to see your esthetician.

Red light masks: These alien-esque devices, popular for at-home skincare, claim to boost collagen in your face and reduce wrinkles. But at $400 a pop, this can feel a bit exorbitant, especially if you want your kids to go to college or want to go out to dinner occasionally.

So, might I suggest taking some Saran Wrap, coloring it red, then grabbing a flashlight and placing the red plastic wrap over the bulb area. Secure it with a rubber band so it doesn’t move around. Shine it on your face, and there you have a cheap and easy solution. See, I am zen and you can’t see my frown lines. And now, my kids can go to Harvard. (Or one hour of Harvard.)

Wearable technology — Maybe you’re thinking about buying an Oura Ring or a Whoop band to track your heart rate, sleep, and recovery. You’re getting older, and you want to take charge of your health. Fair enough. But since both of these trackers are made in China, expect a steep price hike in the coming months. Rather than shell out all that cash, ask your partner to track you instead. This really works if you are a man married to a woman. Your wife can definitely tell you why you didn’t sleep as well or feel as good. She doesn’t need an app to do it. She can tell by intuition alone because she watches you all the time. Trust me—it’s just as accurate.

(Here I am, peeking out of my office to see what my husband is eating in the kitchen. Your Whoop can’t do that.)

Consider this the only Substack out there trying to help you be healthy and save money.

Happy Wellness!

One final note: I turned on paid subscriptions in an attempt to appease the Substack gods. Apparently, newsletters get more visibility when they have the paid option enabled. All is still the same—my words will always be free. But like the lemonade stand I ran with my sister as a child, donations are now accepted.

In all seriousness, no need to upgrade—just give me a like or share. That means more than anything.