Things Your Husband Actually Wants for Father’s Day

I'm giving you a week and a half to prepare.

Over breakfast this weekend, I floated the idea of getting my husband a Barbour jacket for Father’s Day. It would be practical for the San Francisco weather and great for his walks to work. He looked at me like I had seven heads. (And this was before he even saw the price tag.) This got me thinking: who are these Father’s Day gifts for? I was shopping for what I wanted him to have, not what he wanted. Here are some common mistakes I’m seeing right now, so you’re set up for success this Father’s Day.

You give him: A new wallet. He wants: The time to finish uploading his license to his Apple Wallet, so he no longer has to carry things around. Do not rush him. This is important. While we’re at it, let him wear the shorts with the seven large pockets. He loves those.

You give him: Garrett Leight sunglasses. He wants: To wear the free ones he got at a tech convention with wooden sides and a name like Flashpoint inscribed on them, without finding them in the dress-up bin or, worse, the garbage.

You give him: Slip-on vintage Vans. He wants: To wear his shoes with the wide toe box to dinner. The wide toe box is non-negotiable. He would also like you to consider your own foot health and stop wearing those ballet flats.

You give him: Fancy socks. He wants: Respect for his socks with holes in them. The hole has not yet reached the full heel. They are still good. He will tell you when they are not good.

You give him: A subscription to The Economist. He wants: To read Twitter on his phone in peace without comments on his algorithm.

You give him: A meat thermometer. He wants: For you to trust that he is a man, and men know meat. If he says it’s done, it’s done. He has a system. It’s instinctual.

You give him: A $4,000 lounge chair and ottoman for the new house in San Francisco. He wants: You to return it.

You give him: A minimalist teapot. He wants: For you to embrace the “there’s nothing wrong with this one” mentality. There is nothing wrong with this one. There has never been anything wrong with any of them. You are the problem. You have always been the problem.

You give him: A card. He wants: For you to be really excited about his sleep data, especially if it is 89% or above. He has worked very hard on that 89%. He went to bed at 9:40 on a Saturday for that 89%.

What he would love most of all is a table he can put his feet up on comfortably, a television at an appropriate eye height, and for you to be just as excited about the circadian rhythm lightbulbs he installed in the bathroom and not mad that, for most of the day, it is impossible to do your makeup or see your face in proper lighting.

Ideal room design for most heterosexual dads.