“What’s the smallest bug in the world?” my five-year-old asks.
“I’m not sure, maybe a flea?” I say.
“Let’s know for sure,” he insists. “Ask Google.” (Insulting.)
So I do. We learn that the smallest bug in the world is the Fairyfly, a microscopic wasp with a scientific name I can’t pronounce. My son is pleased, his curiosity satisfied. But I get stuck on the Fairyfly. I relate to her. I am her.
(Do insects have genders? I decide not to find out, unwilling to let a moment of quiet revelation be interrupted by entomology.)
Motherhood has a way of making you feel incredibly tiny, like our friend the Fairyfly. The repetitive tasks, the endless schlepping, the wiping of floors and butts, the confinement of the house while the world moves on without you—it all adds up. There are times it makes you feel nearly invisible. 0.139 millimeters small, to be exact.
I love my children. They surprise and delight me daily. But I also love myself, and lately, the scale of motherhood is getting to me. I’m a person with big goals and dreams, and yet the diaper pail alone is three chores in one: pull out the bag of shitty diapers, cut it off, haul it to the trash.
How is a woman supposed to find her comedic voice, her creative medium, when she’s buried in the trenches of young mothering? By 7pm, I just want to lie down, and oftentimes I do.
I’m certain this phase will pass. Wiser women tell me so, and maybe, like the Fairyfly, I’ll grow. But lately it feels defeating to live so small if I’m being honest. I want to feel big and important again, maybe like a hornet.
If anyone has tips for escaping the gravitational pull of the diaper pail, please let me know.
💛 Drop a heart if you resonate, or share if you enjoyed.
i think it's great he asked you to "google it" and not to "ChatGPT it!" So there is that. Now for advice. For me ... I was always about museums. There are so many and so many different kinds and many have great kids programs and I was always inspired by being around art of any kind (good for creativity inspo) so it was good for both of us! Even the children's museums were fun and inspiring with clever exhibits! And ...carving out time only for you and in small bits weekly (like you somehow do for writing) ✍️ is the way to feel a little normal among the chaos. I used to do my best work between 9pm- midnight when everyone else in the house was sleeping or watching TV. And BTW you are doing great, Nicole. Keep writing. These columns are gonna be a book one day !!!
The thing is: you are big and important to your kids. You are their whole world. But it feels like you sacrifice your whole big world to become theirs. Keep your dreams alive and do a tiny bit toward them every day (or every few days). Go to bed at 7 pm if you need to! Your energy will come back as their worlds enlarge and include more than you...