Internet Math
Some tips on how to approach online spending.
In preparation for Black Friday, I'd like to take a moment to briefly discuss the phenomenon of "internet math." Internet math is the intricate calculation of how one thinks about spending money online. Allow me to break it down for you, as I believe this insight will be helpful before making any purchases over the holiday weekend.
When faced with the choice between a monthly charge of $10.99 for a service or a one-time fee of $96, dismiss the one-time charge as excessive and always opt for the recurring fee, as you're likely to forget about it.
If you make a purchase late at night and the item arrives without you recalling the transaction, it will feel like a surprise gift and, therefore, is free.
Anything you buy as a result of capitalist pressure from excessive Black Friday emails is not your fault. The internet is dangerous and forces you to do it.
If you buy something for your children or someone else’s children that in any way can be considered 'educational' (think a book, puzzle, a shirt with words on it, or something resembling a game), it is an investment. Based on my understanding of investments, this means you can consider it a tax write-off. Anything that is a tax write-off is also free.
If you buy something with the intention of just trying it on or returning it, even if you forget to do so, it is once again free.
Anything over $299 dollars is an important purchase and cannot be subject to discussion.
Whatever additional items you have to add to your cart to get free shipping are necessary purchases.
Never pay for any budgeting software; that is a ludicrous thing to spend money on. You are doing a great job by yourself.
If you mark all of your credit card bills and bank statements as spam, you won’t see them, which means you aren’t really spending any money. Furthermore, use a password generator for your bank login so you can never remember the password and therefore can’t log in.
Anything you don’t purchase on Black Friday, even though it was on your list and you really wanted it but you decided it was just a bit too much, makes you an upstanding and responsible person. Meaning, come Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/New Year time, you should get it!
Don’t forget, in addition to Black Friday, there’s also Small Business Saturday (which is really just philanthropy, who else will save the independent stores), Cyber Monday (double sales, responsible shopping), and finally, Giving Tuesday. But remember, never ever donate; that’s too expensive!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Love,
Nicole
this was funny. Also, reminded me that I did buy myself a organic face mask for black friday, and here's the joke, I don't actually have a job.
This is SOO good. Per usual.