How to Spot an Early Exit at a Wedding

I'm an expert...

There’s an easy way to tell when someone’s about to leave a wedding. You don’t need to ask if they’re having fun—just look at their feet on the dance floor. Movement is the tell. How do I know this? Because these are my feet, and this is what I do at weddings.

I have a bit of a reputation for making an early exit—not because I’m not having fun, but because I run out of steam fast. Even if I love you, I love the feeling of lying down after a night out more. A top-tier event and an excellent song (like this one) might buy me a little more time... but there’s still a good chance I’ll be out the door right after cake.

So if you find yourself at a wedding this summer—which you likely will—skip the small talk. Watch the shoes. They never lie. These rules apply no matter the location—whether it’s Italy or Iowa.

The Side-to-Side Shuffle

This is the quintessential “half-in, half-out” stance. This person is scanning the crowd for fellow early exiters, phone open to the Uber app, refreshing driver arrival times, and whispering “Should we call it?” on repeat. They’re fantasizing about being horizontal, craving cake in total silence, and calculating how many more times they have to fake-smile through “So, when did you get in?” with people they’ll never see again. If they’re not already gone, give it four minutes. Five, tops.

The Back-and-Forth Samba-ish Step

This person is trying. They’ll perk up when a deep cut or some house music hits, but mostly they’re hanging on by a thread. They’ll survive until late-night snacks, then disappear without a goodbye. (In my opinion, this is the most appropriate wedding guest. But I’ve never been appropriate.)

Jumping

This person is drunk. Like, “I just did the worm to ‘Shut Up and Dance’” drunk. (Which, honestly, should be banned by the International Criminal Court. Get creative, people.) They’ll be there till the bitter end—possibly still dancing when the lights come on. The next morning, they’ll show up to brunch in sunglasses, where strangers they don’t remember will greet them with a hearty slap on the back and a “How ya feeling this morning?!” (IMHO, there is no greater shame than this kind of shame.)

Changed into Flip Flops, Feet Firmly Planted, and Standing Still

This person emotionally left the wedding after cocktail hour. They’re silently fuming, in a low-grade fight with their spouse—who is currently breaking their “we’re leaving by 11:45 p.m.” agreement by dancing with the bride’s aunt, with whom they’ve exchanged numbers and are insisting they’ll visit the next time they’re in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

And me? I’m the shuffle—which is basically the dance floor equivalent of tapping your foot impatiently. Always the shuffle. Unless the cake was mid, in which case, I never even made it to the dance floor.

The wedding I attended last weekend had the best cake and a solid crowd, so I stayed longer than anticipated until 10:45 pm.

Happy Weddings!

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