There are days where I feel like the world is ending because the internet knows me better than I know myself. The overlords at Meta target me with ads for Prenuvo (a full-body MRI that is very expensive and loved by influencers) during the luteal phase of my cycle, which coincides with a major surge of health anxiety. The simple planting of this seed that other people are having this scan done makes me think I desperately need it, and if I don’t, I’ll surely die. If it’s not impending Prenuvo doom, Jeffrey Bezos pings me with notifications for items I might be running out of, like coffee or diapers, even before I’ve had the chance to notice myself. This all just makes me wonder, do I have a say in anything anymore or am I just on auto-pilot entirely controlled by algorithms?
Just as I was about to lose faith in the human race entirely, I received the following email. My favorite clothing website sent me a round-up of items they thought I might like, and they included this skirt. I hate it.
There are one thousand reasons why this piece is all wrong for me but to give a few examples, I loathe large animals. I barely think people should have dogs, so a horse is out of the question. Horses aren’t majestic; they are scary. I’ve felt this way ever since I encountered one for the first time at Mendota Heights Country Day Camp and politely declined to ride the beast. Since then I’ve been firmly anti-horse, so why would I wear a skirt advertising one? Additionally, I haven’t worn a graphic print since I unironically wore an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt that had the words “Midnight Cowgirl” on it. I was thirteen and had no idea what that meant, and apparently, neither did my mother, who let me buy it. Finally, I spill a lot and am trying to reduce my carbon footprint by dry cleaning my clothes less frequently, so a silk skirt isn’t a realistic purchase for me at this time.
But this email made me so happy, like deep down in my soul happy. A chirping baby bird kind of happy. I'm so glad the internet suggested this purchase for me because it means that it doesn't know every part of me. Sure, it might know some stuff like my social security number and whose pictures make me the unhappiest to look at, but some piece of me or aspect of being human is still a mystery. I’m still better at making decisions for myself. Suck it Mark Zuckerberg.1 I would never wear that skirt. I would, however, buy the three other things suggested with it.
To be clear, Mark Zuckerberg is in no way directly affiliated with the clothing site I love, Garmentory.com which is objectively fabulous. I just think they were having an off day but I do hold him responsible for all online related mishaps.
Forget the giant horse, my brain said: “stupid internet, that skirt is not for Nicole! It’s white!!”
Also… I was a fellow owner of that midnight cowgirl shirt and it is only at this very second at 36 years old that I’m understanding the meaning. Jaw on floor.
Another reason I can’t handle TikTok. A full body scan? Really ?? I would prefer if influencers were promoting VOTING instead. But that’s me, a little bit old-fashioned I guess. PS: My clothes promotions come mostly from Johnny Was and Anthropologie-two different sides of me so I keep the internet guessing 🤪